The moments we have

I sit down to write this blog and I haven't a clue what is coming, and that is probably a good thing. Giving God these moments is exactly what helps me to surrender my pen. I love that He meets me in these moments to give me His message. 

I have been in Missouri for the last week and I wish I could say it was for a fun reason. It isn't I am watching the woman who gave birth to me slip away in front of me. The woman who raised me and my sister, and later my niece and even later my great nephew. 

I have sat with her and listened as she goes from one memory to another. I have seen the regret in her eyes. I have received so many apologies for who she was in our relationship and I have cried when she promises she has always loved me. In these moments I just realized that she hasn't cried...not a single tear in front of me. I can feel the shock of that realization rush to my mind and then my heart as I type this.

She has shared her fear of having done too many bad things in her life, for God to let her in. That's how she has been taught to know Jesus. As a God who demands perfection and works to spend eternity with Him. She believes that she can lose her place at God's feet. In the past she has called me a holy roller, and has told me that I make everything about Jesus. In the past I was angered by this. I wanted her to know my Jesus. I wanted her to have freedom and i wanted to shove Him down her throat, and force her to see how amazing and loving He is.And surprisingly that backfired. The more I tried to explain His , His mercy, His love for us, the farther I drove her from Him. In those moments Jesus showered me with grace. 

Since a relationship requires growth, Jesus has been faithful to refine and grow me and my faith. He has shown me that love without grace isn't love at all. Genuine love requires grace and forgiveness. If we love with a real, deep, and permanent love, that's when they see Jesus. He shows through our choice to love others the way He loves us. He doesn't pretend to love us or force Himself to love us. He simply loves us because we are His, He loves us sincerely.

God is teaching me to love with a genuine love, a love from Him. Not the love this world teaches us is love. In Romans 12:9a Let love be genuine I believe God is saying, "if you genuinely love, they will see Me." He is love and people recognize the real thing. He IS real love. The one I want more than anything to know God, is finding His grace as she makes her way to Him and I am so grateful. 

She is talking about Him calling to her to come Home. She talks to family already gone Home. And she looks at me first with fear then fades into recognition of who I am. She told me the other day she just thought I made my life about Jesus and I was offended as usual, then God said, "you ask me to let others see me in you, and when they do in their way, you get offended. Her words tells you people see me in you and who you are." I cried and told Him thank you. 

This season is freeing both my mom and me from so much hurt and anger. We are learning what honoring each other means and I am so grateful God made this happen. It reminds me of one of my life verses, Jer. 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you. He knew that this time was set aside, He knew we needed closure and I am so glad. I am blessed to get to spend these sweet moments with my mama and I can share the love of God with her in the moments we have.

                                       

disclaimer, I have not proofed this post. 

                                     

                                               

         

boundaries that healed

                         

 Driving back from one, of several road trips we've taken in the last year, I finally heard what God has been trying to say to me for decades. I knew it was Him when that undeniable peace and excitement comes rushing in, after a piece of wisdom I've been asking Him to give me for a long time. The wisdom was so good I told my girl that I needed her to text it to me so I would have it to save. Honestly, I knew He was answering more than one of my prayer requests with this wisdom. It's been a while since I really listened for me when I get with Him. It's also been a hot minute since I given Him the pen and let Him speak to me and y'all. I love to sit in front of this laptop and share a message He's given me. I also love to sit in front of the 75" distraction we call our tv. 

It's hard to face being refined. It's hard to surrender. It's hard to know that people I love are hurting and all I want for them is Him, His peace, His love...and they don't want to hear it. It's hard for me as a mom to watch my kids struggle and desperately want to save them from the consequences of those choices made. The choices we make in the moments when our minds are seeking life, seeking help and reaching for what this world is offering because we don't know what else to do. Where else to go, Who is there regardless of our choices. Decisions that take us into situations we would never choose in our life if we are walking closely to God. 

One of the choices that I had such a hard time with was setting boundaries. I grew up believing boundaries are set by my mom. I grew up in the late 1960's and '70s. In those days there was this unspoken rule about authority and the power it holds. That is important information for each of us to know. We were raised to not question said "authority." In those days authority was anyone my mom told me was my authority. And she was my number one authority. And I am one who questions certain authority, mainly hers of course.

Mom and daughter relationships are hard. We want to grow up and run most of the time. I did. The more boundaries she set for me, the more I pushed passed them. The more I pushed passed them the more she showed her authority over me. Boundaries became something she was in control of in my world. Regardless of how old I got, she still expected to be the one setting my boundaries. So I ran. I ran often and as far as I could get. My parents have saved me from Arizona to Nebraska after me from my running from these boundaries she set. I was chasing my own life. My own boundaries.

As I have gotten to know God and really began building a deep relationship with Him, He's brought the subject of boundaries up. My defintion was so skewed He had to teach me what boundaries are. First, they are not to hurt people, they are to keep myself from hurting people, especially the ones I love. And in the beginning I thought He meant everyone but my mom, as she like to remind me in those times, that honoring my mom was in the Bible. I think she was surprised by me explaining I have to keep myself free of sin and our relationship was a huge catalyst to that. Anne so that i can honor her, i have to stay away. And for years that's how we battled. 

I believed that a boundary meant keeping her out of my life, and honestly for some of those seasons it was. When I finally let down my guard about that relationship and gave it to God, really surrendered it, He brought truth into what boundaries are, and why we need them. This brings us to what He shared on that road trip...His message was clear and to the point, the  way He knows I understand, and like to receive truth the most.

"Some people find boundaries offensive, they feel rejected by them. But the point of boundaries is to love others in a healthy way for both to feel loved. To love someone while guarding your heart and your lips. It's a way to keep your relationship safe." 

When there are  moments you know crossing that boundary, can cause unretrievable actions, or words. I personally have done this and had it done to me as well. I've lost friendships that meant the world to me in these times. And one of the most important relationships in my life, a good relationship with my mom. 

When I first figured out that it was ok to set boundaries in my relationship with my mom, she struggled to receive them. Her way was always too spew words that cut me to the core. My way was to cut her off completely. I had no idea it was because she didn't know another way to have a relationship. I really didn't care in the times I was shattered on the floor from things she said to me. And in those moments, instead of love running thru my veins, anger and hurt filled every vein in my body. 

And in the times I shut her out, I wanted so bad to have her accept me and love me...and I wanted to be myself at the same time. God was trying to show me that I could have both of those things, and the answer was healthy boundaries. My healthy boundaries and His were different and I would still have to accept that my mom might disagree. I had to decide if the healthy relationship was worth the refining that had to take place in my heart and mind. I didn't get to choose how she reacted, I just had to stand firm and love her.

It's been about a couple years, give or take, and she only crossed one of the firm boundaries I set. I didn't fight with her, I didn't give the enemy a single breath to drag me backwards, I simply hung up. And several months later she had a serious medical issue. I went with my great nephew/brother to be there with her. I did not just let go of why I hung up and refused to accept her calls since the last call, I explained to her that she crossed my boundary. I told her i love her and want to have her in my life and be in hers. Then I told her the boundary still stands firm, and pray for us. 

She's been pretty sick this last year. We have traveled to spend time with her and love on her everytime we possibly can. On our last visit I had the chance to just sit, just me and her for awhile one night. And it was so nice. Laughing and going deeper than we have, ever. We talked about her fears in this stage of her life. She looked at me with the deepest fear and sadness I have seen in her eyes in a long time, and told me she isn't afraid of dying, she said she has the same fear my Aunt Mary had, it was facing Jesus after all the horrible things she did in her life.

When I heard that, I cried for her. She told me, what if I was too bad and He doesn't let me in? I asked her, mom have you accepted Jesus as your Savior? She said, yes, and I told her, then He already forgave you, He already accepted you. You have to forgive yourself, and trust His promise when you chose to believe. She said she accepted that was true. And yet I left with a prayer on my lips that He would make His Presence known to her in the natural world so she would know. The next day a friend of my great nephew/brother's from high school, came to see her. And she brought her a couple of those little plastic Jesus figures in with her and gave them to my mom.

When I asked God for a Scripture for this message, He held off till after I was done...then He said, "search for when you ask", so I searched and here they are.

John 14:14 ESV

"You may ask Me for anything in My name, and I will do it".

And

1 John 5:14 ESV

And this is the confidence that we have toward Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.

If you think you have done too bad, please know that NO ONE is beyond His love and healing. There isn't a human on this planet He created, that He does not love, only people who don't choose Him won't know that. 

     

"These" seasons, on repeat?

Sitting in the early morning hours, with just the glow of the TV, my mind is moving from subject to subject. "These" seasons are the biggest battle for me. And on almost any late night, or early morning, I find myself sitting in front of the glow of the TV. I'm not watching what's on, not enough to understand what is happening, it's just the comfort of that glow in "these" seasons. 

This is the routine I find myself in each time I step into "these" seasons. This routine isn't something that was instilled in me, it's something God is building over the span of my life. God's taught me that for my anxiety, a routine is helpful. 

This didn't start out as a routine. It started as nights of insomnia and self destroying talks. With depression so deep and anxiety battles so dark, death would have been welcomed with open arms. Thoughts of leaving all the stress and anxiety behind in this life, become repetitive and hard to fight, until suddenly God shows up in the glow. 

That glow, it's not just any glow. The glow Jesus brings into the midst of "these" seasons and in that glow is perfect comfort. That comfort is one I'm more and more familiar with. 

Jesus meets me in the darkest parts of my life and speaks truth. I'm a lover of truth. I crave truth in every area of my life. I'm not someone who needs truth wrapped up in a pretty paper or bow, or sugar coated. I just want the truth. "These" seasons are filled with truth. Truth that refines away the lies that have kept me lost and hurt. 

"These" seasons require routine now because it's not just a single area He's refining. He's refining several areas at a time now and God is teaching me that a routine will center my focus on Him and allow me to truly surrender. When my mind wanders back to the pain of refining, the glow catches my attention and what God's doing becomes my center again. 

In several places, in His Word,  God tells us our peace comes from Him. True peace ONLY comes from Him. And in "these" seasons He teaches me to cling to that perfect peace with every ounce of surrender i have, because "these" seasons will get much harder the deeper He goes.

I will follow His routine and immerse myself into His peace, as He refined me into His image. 

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:4-7

Let me just fix this...

Here we go...

For almost 6 years I wrote a blog titled, "Life with Nona." In the summer of 2018, I was blown away by a 'bug' that stole my ability to share my blog posts on my social media accounts. I was so confused. I literally sat in my self pity & refused to put my fingers on a keyboard...I couldn't see a point in writing if I couldn't 'share' what I was writing. I mean isn't that the purpose in writing? To let others in on our thoughts. What good is writing I was thinking, if it's only for me?
Even just typing these words I realize how self-centered they sound. I didn't have a bunch of followers, I really had mostly my friends & some people that had found, me probably by accident. I honestly didn't even have many people who commented on my posts, the only way I knew it was being read, was by the numbers in my authors dashboard. They show me how many have read each post & give me the totals of each country. I just loved seeing the totals climb & to look at the map of where my blog was traveling & reaching those He wanted to speak to. That last part is why I began to sit down & let God pour through me. The release & joy I found in sitting with God & sharing what He is doing in me, my heart & my life is indescribable. 
Some of the posts were so transparent that I had no doubt that I would lose "friends." But God. He reminded me often that this wasn't about making friends & that the ones falling away were not for me. The thought that people would walk away from me for what God was doing in me & through me, well that was hard to deal with for me. I have been such a 'people pleaser' in my life. Although since God has taught me that just 'pleasing people' to keep them happy, at any cost...well in the end it brings destruction. Not just to me, but for them as well. So many of my relationships ended poorly because I would do my best to 'please everyone.' Then after my 'pleasing' would blow up in my face, I would sit up high on my own ego & blame them in my self righteousness. But God...I am so grateful He doesn't give up on me. Finally, He brought the wall of ego & self righteousness crumbling down & with it went the people pleasing piece of me.
Have you ever learned something the hard way? The hard way seems like the only way I do learn. I had always given this as the reason why I kept clinging to the way I wasn't ready to let go of. It seems like this was something that I just said to excuse my foolishness, kinda like saying, "I'm only human, I make mistakes." I know now that most of those times were because I wasn't seeking God & His plans. I wasn't asking Him, "LORD, show me what You want to clean up." I was actually just going on what I FELT, instead of what God's plans were.
About 8-9 years ago I was in a friends house & on her wall was a beautiful plaque of Jeremiah 29:11...

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

In these words, God took my breath for the moment. "This" He whispered, "This is your life verse. This is My heart for you." I looked at my friend & told her, "Girl this is my life verse. God just told me!!!" I was so excited, I suddenly knew God had plans for me & His plans were to give me hope & a future, not to hurt me. He knew me & still loved me! To this day when I hear, see, or God shows up with these words anywhere, my breath still catches & I know He's speaking life over me.

In the years following & in many of the struggles to grow my faith, He added 12, 13. Then last year when He moved us from the desert of Arizona, to the beautiful flat lands of Texas, He handed me verse 14. Each time He adds another piece of the puzzle for me to understand, He waits until He knows I am ready to comprehend why He's adding them. He always brings them in His perfect time. Just at the right moment for what He's teaching me right then. He's never wrong, of course, I have no idea why I am surprised by this truth, but each time I get so excited & most times it will bring me tears...not sad tears, beautiful tears of joy that my Poppa God knows me so well, that He waits patiently for me before He brings the next puzzle piece. He waits so that I will understand the why's, the what's & the how's. And if I don't completely understand, I will accept that His plans are for me, not to harm me, but to bring me hope. When I seek Him He will answer & I have no fear. Even if I get lost, He will show me the way back to His plans.

Now, bringing this all forward to now sitting under a "new name" with this new blog. For more than the last 6 years I have comfortably dwelt in the title of "Nona" it's been my favorite title. I dearly love being a grandmother...with 4 grandprinces & 2 grandprincesses, it's easy to rest in the love I have for my sweet ones. In fact, I believe I put most of my effort & joy into loving my grands. Maybe even put them in God's spot many times. Definitely put them above everyone else. Since I've been asking God to cleanse me of what keeps me away from Him, to make me more like Jesus, He has taken a few people & things out of His place & most of the time my life. But for some reason I never thought loving my grands more than life, could possibly be an idol? I mean after all "LOVE" is the number 1 thing God asks me to do right? Then in 2015, a blow was dealt that would take me years & a move 2 states away, to understand. When my grandprincess that I had spent about 5 years doting on & putting before life itself, was STRIPPED away from me. I spent the years begging & pleading her daddy to let us see each other. I tried to explain that this was detrimental to her. I know that is probably true, but in reality I was learning that I had put this title, "Nona" above everything else in my life, including God. And this was the beginning of really finding my identity in Christ. Though I promise I have not laid down my desire to hold my grandprincess & tell her how much I have missed her & how much I dearly love her. I have surrendered her & this pain to God. Where once there was anger & bitterness towards both her mom & her dad with his girlfriend, there is now forgiveness & peace. I didn't just suddenly drop into this, believe me it's all God.
When He was ready after He was patient for all that time. He knew I was ready & just yesterday at the 10:45 am service at my Gateway church, Pastor Robert Morris carried my newest life verse to me...Jeremiah 29:10...

"This is what the LORD says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place."

Instantly I knew it...I knew that God was whispering, "Now get back to work & in my time I have set a plan to bring fruit forward that you believe is rotted away for good. I have gone before you & you will be free to share My words again. You will not be 'Nona' You are not just Nona, I am your Namer, your name is Robin Lynn. You don't have to leave 'Nona' behind, you have to walk forward in the identity I have given you, move forward my beautiful Robin Lynn." I cried tears of pure joy. Finally, I had freedom from the 'who' I thought I had to live up to being. I no longer had to hold onto the 'title' I could just be who God created me to be, just me... HIS Robin Lynn.

As I left church, I shared with my man, "God gave me another piece to my puzzle!! He gave me another verse to add to my life verses!!" He looked puzzled, but played along, "oh yeah, what's that?" I excitedly exclaimed, "He gave me Jeremiah 29:10!! He told me who I am, who He created me to be, Robin Lynn, not just Nona!! And He told me that it's time to sit down & get to work. To get busy on the new blog, tomorrow." He looked at me smiled & said, "cool."

This past Friday & Saturday was the Pink Impact event perfectly named, "UnCommon." Though I will sit down & share more about the amazing event in future posts, let me just share this one piece of wisdom that one of the boldest & wisest women I have had the gift of hearing speak gave on Friday. Nika Maples talked about God telling her she was taking His Name in vain, she said she knew that this couldn't be, she didn't even use "OMG" she wouldn't take His name in vain. Then God shared a wisdom none of us would probably consider, "you say 'I am ____' every time you say 'I am' you are calling me every word you put after 'I am." That one piece of wisdom brought me to my face in a humbleness I had never known!! At that moment EVERYTHING that I have said after 'I am' came rushing forward...I knew in that moment, God still has a lot to do in my heart. He will heal all I surrender. 

 I know that I have shared a couple of my life verses already, however when I searched for them, I was blessed to see the Message Translation of ALL the life verses that God has given me to this date, I really wanted to share them all together & this translation just says it so perfectly...

 This is God’s Word on the subject: “As soon as Babylon’s seventy years are up and not a day before, I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

 “When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen.

 “When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.

“Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.” God’s Decree.

“I’ll turn things around for you. I’ll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you”—God’s Decree—“bring you home to the place from which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it.

Jeremiah 29:10-14 MSG


So, what are you putting in front of God? Who are you holding as number 1 in your life? What are you calling, saying about God after your 'I am'? 

Written by, 
HIS
Robin
Lynn

The girl I always miss

I opened my eyes with a feeling I can't describe. If you're a middle aged woman, or man, you may understand me when I say, I felt like a river wanted to be set free...oh and pregnant women will totally understand this feeling too. I had no thought, other than to get to my bathroom, and get back in my comfy bed. So grateful the light wasn't coming in my window yet. I don't know how many of y'all sleep with your phone next to you, but I do. I do put it upside down so the light doesn't wake us up in case of a late text, or Facebook notification...which has happened to us on several occasions, but it's always there next to me.

 I always tell myself that it's so I can get an emergency call, or text and also because it makes the perfect "light" for my path to the bathroom now that I have to get up every couple hours. Yes, it is just the right amount of light, it is small and easy to use. However, it never seems to stay lit up long enough for me to make it to the bathroom?? This is so frustrating to me that I find myself speaking out loud to myself about what a "pain in the butt this thing is *%$#@!! Why can't it just stay on for another second so I can make it in the bathroom???" 

April 27, 2019 was no different. I rolled over to get up, grabbing my phone as I got my feet to the floor, only this time I flipped my phone over to light my way & it was lit up with my alarm going off on silent? I thought, "what the heck? Did I forget something? Uh oh, I knew my sleep was going to well." ...but then in my blurry, sleep filled eyes, I made out the name on the alarm..."Hannah's 8th birthday, ALL DAY"...

I can't lie, that one single sentence broke my tear ducts and they started to flow. My tears were not what I see on the memes about how "God catches each tear," no it was more like a flash flood in the desert. I didn't know if I would drowned in them, or maybe just take a white water river raft through them. I only knew that I had opened a flood gate I was not expecting in this moment.

I quickly swished off that alarm and flipped my phone over to the ground to try to escape the room without waking up Terry...I had no idea how I would explain my sudden onset of a total breakdown in the middle of the night. I was just about to the safety of my bathroom when that light went out...I started to cuss again, when suddenly I heard the cry of my old sweet golden retriever, Trinity. She was normally on her bed which is out of the path, purposely. But it is starting to get warmer here in Texas and it's cooler for her to lay on the wood floor. 

Of course tonight was the night she picked to begin her cooler spot routine. She yelped and jumped up and I heard Terry stir...I found myself pushing her into the bathroom in front of me, I usually don't enjoy her hounding me for affection when I am in the bathroom, but this time I just WANTED in the quiet place so I could get with God!! She was so glad to have the invite and she instantly turned to greet me, forgetting that I had just stepped on her tail hair and how it hurt. Nope she was just thrilled to be part of my retreat. Then in her eyes I saw the realization that her person was crying? She needed to fix me.

I apologized to her while I tried to get by her as quickly as I could. In the chaos and drama since that first feeling of needing to set the river free, I had forgotten why I was up. I made it past her and as I sat down I began to beg God to bring His peace...she rushed over to fix me with her soft head and sweet eyes...I ruffled her head and told her "mama's ok girl, go lay down."

As soon as she was settling, I cried out ..."please Poppa please take this now!! I forgot while I was sleeping that today was the day I met her!!! I don't want to feel this, please OOOOHHHH God please take this HURT..." As I sobbed these words in my mind and out loud, I heard the faintest whisper, "It's ok girl, it's ok girl, it's ok My girl...here, come here, sit with Me, let Me hold you...ok, give her to Me...she is Mine...I have her." 

In that moment my faith rested back in His whispers, but my fear came back louder, "why?!? WHY?!?! WHY are You punishing me?!?!? What did I do to lose her? Why can't they forgive me?!?" He gave me the space to speak what my heart was saying to Him. To say what He knew, and has known, I was hiding in my heart when my lips were saying, "I am good, He has her." He let me hide behind those lies until I asked Him recently, again, to break my heart for what breaks His. When I surrendered more and asked Him to show me what I was holding...He showed me. He allowed me to feel the break of the heart. To really feel how His heart breaks for His children that don't know Him, or maybe they don't want to know Him...the pain of the rejection by people He loves. In that one moment, that single moment of hurt, He brought HUGE understanding to this daughter.

In that same moment, this daughter surrendered her need to feel ungrateful. I honestly felt a feeling of sadness that I haven't felt, ever in my life...a feeling of loss. A loss that I have always seen as a feeling of "without." I was suddenly seeing this not as a bad loss, as "He is with" kind of loss.

I lifted my hands and my face Heavenward...I whispered, "here is my heart, I only have this broken heart to offer You today...but You LORD can have it NOW." 

I knew I wasn't going to be able to get back to sleep. I kept talking to God and finally when I let go of the idea of going back to bed this day, I said, "ok fine, I will get into my reading time with You, in Your word, but please give me something...please give me a whisper to hang my hope on today..." With that I opened my phone...this was the 'verse of the day' on my app that morning. I took this beautiful whisper and I created a reminder, to help etch it on my heart and in my mind...

He met me there...He always meets me with His whisper, if I ask and seek whole heartedly. He has never left me hanging. He never will. He tells us in His word He is ALWAYS the same. I had forgotten this truth in my moment of a shattered heart, I was too focused on my pain. Not that my pain wasn't important, because I truly believe that many times He will only be able to reach me by allowing this hurt to become so painful, my only instinct is to find relief. More often than not now days, my first response is to run to Him and ask Him to help me. He knows this. He knows me. He knows every thought, every word, He numbers my tears. I rarely let Him down, as far as running to Him for help that is, it's now so important to me...to seek Him before anyone or anything else. 

When I read this verse, He helped me find this picture. This was the picture that came to my mind as I read His whisper. This picture is one I dearly love. There's no denying the joy and love between the 3 of us. It brings me comfort to look at these 2 girls that mean so much to me, together...a daughter and her mama with her nona...she's so happy. I haven't had the pleasure of seeing this sweet face with this happiness in 2.5 years now. Not because she doesn't want to, not because I don't want to, because God's plans are different than ours. For a long time I blamed her dad and his wife. God however has walked me out of that valley of lies. They may be the ones ignoring the calls and texts. They may be the ones who have chosen to take half her blood family out of her life...but believe me when I say, these are not the real reasons. They are NOT God's reasons.

God was very bold about taking me to the real reasons why. I asked Him to make sure I understood and He gladly gave me what I asked for. In my reading He spoke of bringing everyone to Him. Him wanting His children to know Him. He reminded me that He IS bigger than any reason for people choosing to forget Him, or just choosing not to believe in Him. He also reminded me that He is bigger than the pain I fell into and He WILL save every person willing. He spoke of working through the smallest and weakest to the greatest to reach everyone. My time in His word with Him, was filled with wisdom I had not known and some I had simply forgotten under the pressure of everyday struggles. He knew I had lost that wisdom, that I had lost that piece of me in my chaos of trying to hard to "accept" this loss. I may have been telling everyone "I am good with this. God has her." But He knew that I wasn't really believing that...not in this moment.

 He knew that I had set this alarm, He didn't forget...I did, but He didn't. He didn't want me to hurt, to drop the words I was using as I stumbled in the dark to get to safety...He wanted me to hand over that pain to Him, and really mean what I was saying, again. He isn't expecting me to be a perfect "Christian" woman, He knows who I am...but He loves me still. 

I realized as I read and stopped to talk to Him about the words I was inhaling, that He also loves them. His biggest desire is for them to seek Him and find the love He has for them. He knows that Hannah is part of that surrender...He created her to be a catalyst for Him. He knows this princess will be back holding the hands of those she loves...following Him and leading them to Him...guiding them like a "light" in the darkness of night. He reminds me who she is...to many more, than just me.

She is His, first. He created her for a purpose greater than being my grandprincess. That's where I get it turned around. That's where my impatience grows. He will give me the space to self correct, knowing that I will "pretend" I have learned...until I can't pretend anymore because the cost is much too great. Then He will remind me that this time of pain is a time of growing, IF I surrender my expectations. In my surrender I will find that peace I beg Him for. It is waiting for me to let go, then it rushes in. But it waits for the true surrender before flooding me.

This year is another year I was without the gift of hearing her laugh on her birthday...of seeing the joy in her eyes when she opened up the gifts I took the time to thoughtfully pick out for her creative, giggling, gentle little self. I sent them any ways. I text anyways. I refused to surrender to the lies of the enemy. 

Instead I sat with my family, I walked to the park with her mama and her little sister...I played with her and shared giggles and dancing in the sunshine. We stopped to take pictures of the beauty that surrounds us here in Texas...the amazing wildflowers that bring happiness to a couple of desert girls. Along the way we found the "wishes" that I have loved as long as I can remember. I shared with my girl, "each of the seeds represents a wish being wished, and a seed being sent into the wind." She asked me if I wanted to pick one and make a wish, I giggled and said yes. I stepped into the yard to pick just the right one. 

I found it and picked it, I turned to see her searching for one too and I felt grateful. Grateful my girl has hope, still. She asked if she could video me making my wish, I said "sure, it's real." I asked God to bless my grandprincess and to bless each of them too. To bring forgiveness to this family and heal hearts. I blew the "wishes" off into the wind and when I opened my eyes to see an empty stem, I was surprised by a single "wish" being left on there...I said, "this is for my Hannah, may she always know God and his love." As I finished I looked over at my girl and she was making wishes and blowing them into the wind, when she finished there were 2 "wishes" left on her stem, she said one of each of them.

Sometimes, I am learning, it takes a mountain of pain I can't move by myself to wake me up to the truth that He IS God. He IS in control. No amount of crying, or begging will rush Him in His plan. In fact, it may very well bring a rush of exactly what we are trying to escape. It might bring forth some shaping that He's been waiting to do. In this world they tell us that is a bad thing...but Jesus overcame this world...so we could be free of their definitions of good and bad. It's not a bad thing to surrender people and parts of us that are hindering us from becoming who He created us to be. Pieces of our own hurt that we have buried so deep we have forgotten about them, but He wants to dig those up...not to hurt us, but to give us freedom. With the freedom comes the truth that the enemy can no longer hide in that pain and create anger and hurt. It takes away a weakness satan can use against us...it gives God permission to heal and reinforce this place. It instantly gives us God's perfect strength.

I still miss my grandprincess, I will until the day I see her again, or until Jesus calls me home...but that emotion doesn't have to control me, or my willingness to forgive, even when they aren't sorry. I will hold this crown for my grandprincess, until I see her again...In the time between, I will trust God and His love for us, all.

Happy 8th Birthday my sweet, feisty, beautiful grandprincess, I pray your day was just a special as you are...I love you forever and always...Nona

   

Loving means what??

Well, I know yesterday I shared about not wanting to pray for someone. I was holding onto that list of wrongs for a good part of my day yesterday & clinging to some unforgiveness. I went to bed feeling justified for having been the dealer of a day of silence, which is NOT part of my personality, I am very talkative on most days. I know that going to bed with this frustration towards someone will make for a restless night, yet I made the choice to carry it to bed. Then this morning I was trying to remember as many of those hurts as I could, so I still didn't have to forgive. But God...His heart breaks when His children hurt each other. He covered so many of those hurts with His perfect love & brought me peace & a desire to dig deeper into why it breaks His heart. 

So many times I seem to want to justify why I am hurt, or angry. I forget that God already knows the why's & the who's & that in that knowledge He is working, not only in them...but in me as well. It's easy to point my finger at the one I blame for hurting me & find cover in their part of the pain. That cover seems to blind me to my own part in the situation. It makes it easy to hand them the blame & for me to sit back in my self righteousness & shake my head. Only a single, but very important, problem with this attitude...they aren't the ones suffering. I don't mean painful suffering, I mean carrying a heavy burden, kind of suffering. The kind of suffering that doesn't let me move on...doesn't allow me to learn what God is teaching me. It limits my ability to be molded into the woman He created me to be. My choice to hold onto what I am choosing to be offended by, greatly affects where my focus is.

I assume they're also holding onto this hurt too, pretty quickly my assumptions lead to my own expectations not being met. They have no idea of what my expectations are, so they can't possibly meet them. Soon that unmet expectation becomes frustration & my frustration becomes a deep, lingering bitterness. When the bitterness takes root, it will bury itself as far into my heart & mind as it can reach. That ugly root of bitterness can block people's view of who God is making me. It can block my view of who God is creating it others too. It's reach depends on me holding onto my own suffering & hurts. As long as I cling to those wounds, the roots will keep going deeper. If I am completely honest, many times in my life, I've had such deeply rooted bitterness I still haven't found them. 

Those deeper rooted hurts are what God is digging up in me. The old me wants to find someone to blame, mostly because I am afraid to face this part of who I am. It's been my defense mechanism for decades...to bury the hurts deep & hold onto what they make me feel. To carry the pain as a banner for what kind of person this person was to me. Making sure that everyone who sees my banner, sides with me. They see why I am holding onto the why's against the who's. But God...He never leaves me in my pit of hurts. Today He took me deeper into my own dirt, while He had me searching for the GOLD in him. He reminded me that this is a man I love & that more than that, he's a man that He Himself loves. Dirt & all, He loves us.  

As I sat talking to God during my workout, He reminded me how much He loves me. I heard His gentle reminder of Jesus's directions to me in John 13:34-35...

"So I give you now a new comandment: Love each other just as much as I have loved you. For when you demonstrate the same love I have for you by loving one another, everyone will know that you're my true followers." 

...Oh how I love The Passion Translation. I seem to read several translations, most of the time trying to gain a deeper understanding of what God is teaching me. Today I went straight to TPT. I wanted a gentle whisper. God never fails to meet me wherever I am willing to surrender to His calling & when He does, He brings the wisdom I am seeking. Always, without fail.

I read these words & my flesh began to rise up & answer, "I have loved him like you love me. My hearts greatest desire is for him & everyone who You place in my path to see You in me, to seek You because they see You in me. How can I love him anymore like You?" With this question came a mighty response! He didn't hesitate to take me directly to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 in TPT...I love these verses in any translation, but in TPT they can NOT be misunderstood. There is no confusion as to what He means by "love them like I do." 

Love is LARGE and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to ALL. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does NOT brag about one's achievements nor inflate its own importance. Love does NOT traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek it's own honor. Love is NOT easily irritated or quick to take offense. Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds NO delight in what is wrong. Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it NEVER gives up.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Suddenly I understood. I really wasn't loving him. I was not respecting him. I was not being consistently kind. I was not only easily irritated, but I was delighting in believing I was right. I wasn't being a safe place for him, nor was I being gentle. Yet I was expecting him to see Jesus in me, to know me as a true believer of Jesus...hmmm seems like I was more interested in bragging to God about how I was "loving him"  than I was about hearing how to truly love him. I was chasing a confirming response from God. I wanted Him to sit with me & vent His frustration with me about him, just like me. Instead God wanted me to see my part, He wanted me to learn to love, really love. He wanted to sit with me & show me the answer to my question..."how can I love him anymore like You?" He wanted to dig up the root that I was trying to bury. He wanted to replace it with a root of His perfect love. God knows my hearts greatest desire. He knows I want to love like He does. So He refused to allow me to sit in the lie that "I was loving him like God loves me."

I finally sat down & let God speak His wisdom, when I heard Him whisper, "anyone can find his flaws, be the one to recognize his goodness. Love him like I love you." That's where I am now. Still working on releasing him from my expectations  & finding the love that God wants to share through me. Even if he has no idea of the battle that I have been fighting, if he never shows me love the way I have learned to feel loved, I will choose to remember that love is patient & kind, generous with joy & purposely hard...purposely a challenge...purposely buried in God. If love was easy what would it cost us? If loving came easy it would be so easy to toss away those with dirt that is still being washed away. It may be easier to love those who we want to love...but to love those who are difficult to love brings so much more joy to us...not only us but to God. Loving people who we are angry with or who hurt us allows God to love them through us & they will recognize true lovers of Christ.

Jesus reminds us in Luke 6:32 about loving those who love us back when He says, "Are you really showing true love by loving those who love you back? Even those who don't know God will do that. Are you really showing compassion when you do good deeds only to those who do deeds to you? Even those who don't know God will do that?" 

Even those who don't know God love & help those who love them, so what will show the same kind of love as Jesus has in those of us who do know God? The only thing that will is loving those who people who nonbelievers can't love. The ones who we consider frustrating, or have hurt our feelings. The ones who don't meet our expectations, or who have no idea how to love us back. Loving them with the kind of love Jesus loves us.

Are you carrying a offence? Do you feel the need to explain to God why? Well please get with God, ask Him to teach you what His definition of love is, to show you the differences between the way He loves & the way you love. The person who chooses to be offended is the one carrying the biggest burden...surrendering the need to be right or to make them see your way, will free up your mind, heart & soul to learn to love like Jesus. 

That's exactly what I did this morning. Today I found a joy in praying for him. Instead of searching for his dirt, I asked God to show me my own dirt & asked Him to wash it away...along with the hurt I was holding onto. 

No, I don't want to...

"I am leaving you with a gift~peace of mind & heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world can NOT give. So don't be troubled or afraid."

John 14:27 NLT

This morning after I finished reading the study plans I am currently learning in & my time with God in Isaiah, I was trying to talk God into letting me skip praying for someone. I was explaining my frustration & giving Him a list of reasons for why I didn't think today I should pray for this person...but God. He didn't let me get through my long list of hurts & bitterness. Instead He gently whispered, "I want you to sit down & pray for him. That is why." When God gets quieter, I know He is trying to get me to listen. So, I began to lift my aggravation at having to spend time purposely praying for someone who I know doesn't pray for me, who I feel isn't even interested in lifting my name to God's Ears & who most of the time I wouldn't even have a clue is interested in being near me. But God reminded me with these words, that the praying for him is much more about what God is doing in me, than for his benefit. In that moment, I felt God's joy, His peace & even my own heart & mind resting back into God's peace & joy.

In that simple moment of Holy Spirit rushing forth, I felt the sweet love of God. I can't say that I was immediately excited to pray for him, but what I can say is I was immediately excited by God sending forth His Personal Helper to me, in an instant. I don't know about you but I struggle with letting go of my frustrations sometimes. I can carry the bitterness of hurt like baggage for a long, long time. It's not that I don't understand the things that come along with carrying that baggage of bitterness, I do, it's more like I carry it to make sure that I don't forget that the person, or people have hurt me. To keep them "accountable" to their mistakes...yes, I did just open up that can of truth...Instantly God takes me to Jesus's words in John 8:7,

So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up and said to them, "He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first."

Oh yes Lord I forgot about this piece of truth. I had put aside this truth to feel my pain & aggravation. I didn't want to remember because then I would have to lay down my own pain, I would have to face my own junk. I have learned that when I lay the baggage at God's feet, He will pick it up & free me from the feelings that go with all that junk. 

When I was growing up & for a good portion of my life after that, I learned how to blow up in my anger & how to use words to take people to their knees in moments when I was feeling hurt, let down or even made to feel less than. Those were the weapons I had been taught to use against people in my life. Those weapons most times would bring a moment of relief, then a lifetime of regrets. For a little over a decade now, God has been working on teaching me to use His weapons to fight with. Instead of cruel, hate filled words, He has been trying to get me to remember in the most heated moments, to reach for Him, to walk away from the old weapons & grab onto His newly planted weapons...but I didn't have the understanding to use them. I wasn't investing in my relationship with God, or learning to respond with His love, I was just repeating the same old things.

In the last few years God has been teaching me that He provides weapons for me. Weapons that unlike my old ones, would bring healing & peace to me & to the other person too. He taught me that when I first became a Christian, I was like a new born, I could only be fed His Word. I had to be taught what He meant by His Word. I couldn't figure out how these "old stories" had anything to do with the world today? As I have made God more & more the center of my life & my foundation, I am learning to understand His word & understand why He places His perfect weapon here & a different weapon there. In other words, I am learning why understanding His word is so important to my faith. I have learned that His Word is ALIVE & RELEVANT in every situation. That it isn't a book of old stories, but His book of life giving instruction. His word will never grow old & is always moving & breathing in my life. That if I will dig deep in His word & allow Him to speak through it, I will have every weapon I need.

In fact just the verse above that one it says...

"But when the Father sends the Advocate as my representative that is, the HOLY SPIRIT, He will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I have told you."

John 14:26 NLT

All I have to do is pray & Holy Spirit will intercede for me!! So even in the moments when I don't know what to pray for, or who, Holy Spirit does. He will bring wisdom & a whisper from God in those exact moments. I simply have to believe & act on God's request. In moments when I am holding onto my own peace & love, I can fail at loving someone, or having perfect peace, but God can NOT fail. 

In the times my deepest desire is to give up on someone & walk away, Holy Spirit intervenes & brings exactly what I need in the perfect time. Even when I am stomping my feet & throwing a fit, God will continue to ask me...until I finally give in & be still so He can show me the parts I am holding onto. Pieces of who I was that keep me from God, or keep me from loving like God. He is patient & will wait for me to recognize His plans, even when I don't understand why.

I finally gave in & I got my journals out & began to write my requests down for him...well maybe more like what I wanted from him...but God still didn't leave me in that pit. Instead He asked me to put aside what I wanted to change about him & let Him show me the same sin in my heart. To let go of the offences I have been clinging to. Instead, He asked me to hand the broken pieces to Him, so He could fix them. Then give them back to me whole & complete. I won't say that I joyfully, or generously prayed for him, but I did eventually make it out of my frustration & back into God's perfect peace & love...in my heart & mind.

So, is there someone's offense you're holding onto today? Are you still holding a grudge or hurt feelings against someone? I know that you may feel justified in your feelings of frustration & bitterness, but please try taking those emotions to God. He will validate that you are hurt, or angry, but He will remind you that the ONLY one suffering from clinging to your feelings, is you...the person carrying around that baggage is you. Real freedom is found in forgiving & laying down the the junk you're carrying at God's feet...then picking up God's grace & peace while you move forward with His amazing love. That is my current prayer, that I can lay down my own emotions & make sure I am carrying God's weapons into battle, like His perfect love, instead of all my anger & brokenness. He is faithful & will quickly bring a word...I simply have to lay it down.