The moments we have

I sit down to write this blog and I haven't a clue what is coming, and that is probably a good thing. Giving God these moments is exactly what helps me to surrender my pen. I love that He meets me in these moments to give me His message. 

I have been in Missouri for the last week and I wish I could say it was for a fun reason. It isn't I am watching the woman who gave birth to me slip away in front of me. The woman who raised me and my sister, and later my niece and even later my great nephew. 

I have sat with her and listened as she goes from one memory to another. I have seen the regret in her eyes. I have received so many apologies for who she was in our relationship and I have cried when she promises she has always loved me. In these moments I just realized that she hasn't cried...not a single tear in front of me. I can feel the shock of that realization rush to my mind and then my heart as I type this.

She has shared her fear of having done too many bad things in her life, for God to let her in. That's how she has been taught to know Jesus. As a God who demands perfection and works to spend eternity with Him. She believes that she can lose her place at God's feet. In the past she has called me a holy roller, and has told me that I make everything about Jesus. In the past I was angered by this. I wanted her to know my Jesus. I wanted her to have freedom and i wanted to shove Him down her throat, and force her to see how amazing and loving He is.And surprisingly that backfired. The more I tried to explain His , His mercy, His love for us, the farther I drove her from Him. In those moments Jesus showered me with grace. 

Since a relationship requires growth, Jesus has been faithful to refine and grow me and my faith. He has shown me that love without grace isn't love at all. Genuine love requires grace and forgiveness. If we love with a real, deep, and permanent love, that's when they see Jesus. He shows through our choice to love others the way He loves us. He doesn't pretend to love us or force Himself to love us. He simply loves us because we are His, He loves us sincerely.

God is teaching me to love with a genuine love, a love from Him. Not the love this world teaches us is love. In Romans 12:9a Let love be genuine I believe God is saying, "if you genuinely love, they will see Me." He is love and people recognize the real thing. He IS real love. The one I want more than anything to know God, is finding His grace as she makes her way to Him and I am so grateful. 

She is talking about Him calling to her to come Home. She talks to family already gone Home. And she looks at me first with fear then fades into recognition of who I am. She told me the other day she just thought I made my life about Jesus and I was offended as usual, then God said, "you ask me to let others see me in you, and when they do in their way, you get offended. Her words tells you people see me in you and who you are." I cried and told Him thank you. 

This season is freeing both my mom and me from so much hurt and anger. We are learning what honoring each other means and I am so grateful God made this happen. It reminds me of one of my life verses, Jer. 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you. He knew that this time was set aside, He knew we needed closure and I am so glad. I am blessed to get to spend these sweet moments with my mama and I can share the love of God with her in the moments we have.

                                       

disclaimer, I have not proofed this post.