No, I don't want to...

"I am leaving you with a gift~peace of mind & heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world can NOT give. So don't be troubled or afraid."

John 14:27 NLT

This morning after I finished reading the study plans I am currently learning in & my time with God in Isaiah, I was trying to talk God into letting me skip praying for someone. I was explaining my frustration & giving Him a list of reasons for why I didn't think today I should pray for this person...but God. He didn't let me get through my long list of hurts & bitterness. Instead He gently whispered, "I want you to sit down & pray for him. That is why." When God gets quieter, I know He is trying to get me to listen. So, I began to lift my aggravation at having to spend time purposely praying for someone who I know doesn't pray for me, who I feel isn't even interested in lifting my name to God's Ears & who most of the time I wouldn't even have a clue is interested in being near me. But God reminded me with these words, that the praying for him is much more about what God is doing in me, than for his benefit. In that moment, I felt God's joy, His peace & even my own heart & mind resting back into God's peace & joy.

In that simple moment of Holy Spirit rushing forth, I felt the sweet love of God. I can't say that I was immediately excited to pray for him, but what I can say is I was immediately excited by God sending forth His Personal Helper to me, in an instant. I don't know about you but I struggle with letting go of my frustrations sometimes. I can carry the bitterness of hurt like baggage for a long, long time. It's not that I don't understand the things that come along with carrying that baggage of bitterness, I do, it's more like I carry it to make sure that I don't forget that the person, or people have hurt me. To keep them "accountable" to their mistakes...yes, I did just open up that can of truth...Instantly God takes me to Jesus's words in John 8:7,

So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up and said to them, "He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first."

Oh yes Lord I forgot about this piece of truth. I had put aside this truth to feel my pain & aggravation. I didn't want to remember because then I would have to lay down my own pain, I would have to face my own junk. I have learned that when I lay the baggage at God's feet, He will pick it up & free me from the feelings that go with all that junk. 

When I was growing up & for a good portion of my life after that, I learned how to blow up in my anger & how to use words to take people to their knees in moments when I was feeling hurt, let down or even made to feel less than. Those were the weapons I had been taught to use against people in my life. Those weapons most times would bring a moment of relief, then a lifetime of regrets. For a little over a decade now, God has been working on teaching me to use His weapons to fight with. Instead of cruel, hate filled words, He has been trying to get me to remember in the most heated moments, to reach for Him, to walk away from the old weapons & grab onto His newly planted weapons...but I didn't have the understanding to use them. I wasn't investing in my relationship with God, or learning to respond with His love, I was just repeating the same old things.

In the last few years God has been teaching me that He provides weapons for me. Weapons that unlike my old ones, would bring healing & peace to me & to the other person too. He taught me that when I first became a Christian, I was like a new born, I could only be fed His Word. I had to be taught what He meant by His Word. I couldn't figure out how these "old stories" had anything to do with the world today? As I have made God more & more the center of my life & my foundation, I am learning to understand His word & understand why He places His perfect weapon here & a different weapon there. In other words, I am learning why understanding His word is so important to my faith. I have learned that His Word is ALIVE & RELEVANT in every situation. That it isn't a book of old stories, but His book of life giving instruction. His word will never grow old & is always moving & breathing in my life. That if I will dig deep in His word & allow Him to speak through it, I will have every weapon I need.

In fact just the verse above that one it says...

"But when the Father sends the Advocate as my representative that is, the HOLY SPIRIT, He will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I have told you."

John 14:26 NLT

All I have to do is pray & Holy Spirit will intercede for me!! So even in the moments when I don't know what to pray for, or who, Holy Spirit does. He will bring wisdom & a whisper from God in those exact moments. I simply have to believe & act on God's request. In moments when I am holding onto my own peace & love, I can fail at loving someone, or having perfect peace, but God can NOT fail. 

In the times my deepest desire is to give up on someone & walk away, Holy Spirit intervenes & brings exactly what I need in the perfect time. Even when I am stomping my feet & throwing a fit, God will continue to ask me...until I finally give in & be still so He can show me the parts I am holding onto. Pieces of who I was that keep me from God, or keep me from loving like God. He is patient & will wait for me to recognize His plans, even when I don't understand why.

I finally gave in & I got my journals out & began to write my requests down for him...well maybe more like what I wanted from him...but God still didn't leave me in that pit. Instead He asked me to put aside what I wanted to change about him & let Him show me the same sin in my heart. To let go of the offences I have been clinging to. Instead, He asked me to hand the broken pieces to Him, so He could fix them. Then give them back to me whole & complete. I won't say that I joyfully, or generously prayed for him, but I did eventually make it out of my frustration & back into God's perfect peace & love...in my heart & mind.

So, is there someone's offense you're holding onto today? Are you still holding a grudge or hurt feelings against someone? I know that you may feel justified in your feelings of frustration & bitterness, but please try taking those emotions to God. He will validate that you are hurt, or angry, but He will remind you that the ONLY one suffering from clinging to your feelings, is you...the person carrying around that baggage is you. Real freedom is found in forgiving & laying down the the junk you're carrying at God's feet...then picking up God's grace & peace while you move forward with His amazing love. That is my current prayer, that I can lay down my own emotions & make sure I am carrying God's weapons into battle, like His perfect love, instead of all my anger & brokenness. He is faithful & will quickly bring a word...I simply have to lay it down.